My husband and I moved to the REC (Reformed Episcopal Church) earlier this year, after several visits as we were seeking to learn more and be more exposed to the historical and traditional aspects of the Anglican faith. We were also seeking a church that hadn't followed a majority of the Anglican world in ordaining women and homosexuals.
It felt like a breath of fresh air for a minute. Then the REC joined the ACNA, and many questions lept up, not only from us but from many Anglicans.
Now, again, I go to church with that lingering feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling of unrest, of distraction, not at all how I would like to be thinking as I enter God's house.
For me, as a woman, a mother, a Christian, I already have distractions at church. It is already a struggle to focus on Christ. Are my clothes right? Is my hair right? What do the other women think of me, as a woman, a mother, a Christian? These are things I shouldn't struggle with but do. I fight them down, and stand before Christ. I can fight that battle. As a mother, I'm always back and forth between keeping an eye on the children and trying to pray. I can deal with this as well, because I know God blessed me with children and it is my duty to raise them up to know Him. As a Christian, I struggle as well. Struggle to be holy, struggle not to sin, struggle to learn, struggle to love God as St. Matthew teaches-with my heart, soul, and mind.
I don't need further distraction keeping me from worship. I don't want to have questions when I receive the Eucharist.
My heart is with God. My soul seeks Him. My mind falters when I enter the church. Is this Christ's Church? Is this where I may know him most fully? Sometimes I wish that God did not allow man to create denominations. Though, at the same time, I know we would not be free, and we could not love Him as he created us to.
I've been asking God to forgive me for anything I've done or am doing to impede His guidance in this area. Shouldn't standing before God be a simple thing? Now my family must struggle to find out if we stand on solid ground, or sinking sand.
On another note, the kids and I studied Hagia Sophia today, which is a former patriarchal basilica of the Eastern Orthodox Church, later a mosque, now a museum in Istanbul, Turkey. Famous in particular for its massive dome, it is considered the epitome of Byzantine architecture. It was the largest cathedral in the world for nearly a thousand years, until the completion of the Seville Cathedral in 1520. The name of the church is from the Greek Αγία Σοφία, or "Holy Wisdom". It is the third church built on the site, as the other two were destroyed by riots. The church was the focal point of the Eastern Orthodox Church for over 1000 years, and the Church contained a large collection of holy relics and featured, among other things, a 50 foot silver iconostasis. In 1453, Constantinople was conquered by the Ottoman Turks and Sultan Mehmed II ordered the building to be converted into a mosque. The bells, altar, iconostasis, and sacrificial vessels were removed, and many of the mosaics were eventually plastered over. How very sad. A church once dedicated to the Holy Wisdom of God (as the full Greek name implies) now stripped and defaced. There's a testament to the destructive fruit of mans' choices.
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